(Get a drink. This will take a minute or fifteen)Recently, dialogue with a few friends has touched a nerve on one of the areas of my life where I feel I have the largest occurrence of ongoing struggles...my anger. Perhaps not for my whole life, but I certainly feel that, more and more as I age and change; that getting upset, and dealing with being upset is an area where I have the least control, save for my defense mechanisms (anyone want to guess what they are?).
Comma splicing, of course, is a close second.
Things upset me. Sometimes, everything upsets me. (This is a revelation that may hint at struggles with ego, perception and possibly sanity - but I will risk it for the sake of being honest). In a recent imaginary conversation with myself (playing the role of patient and therapist simultaneously...something I've noted that I do from time to time since the Great Sharon Disappearing Act of 2006), I tasked myself to come up with a list of things that make me angry. Surprisingly, or not at all surprisingly, the first two responses that sprung to mind (or the mind of the sullen, sly 'patient' that I was fashioning myself as in the moment) were:
1) 'people', and
2) 'stuff'
At that very moment, the silly little game that I was playing ended, and I noticed that I was suddenly very, very sad.
This is no way to live, I thought to myself. This is no one to 'be'.
I guess I need to begin with the 'why' of this anger...and it's something that I'm not sure I can get to. At least it's not something that I think I've been able to get to. Perhaps the closest that I can come is that it is simply the 'easiest' response/emotion I can develop. When I am hurt, or lonely, or upset or sad, it is simply 'easier' for me to (eventually) lash out than it is to do anything else. Perhaps that's because I internalize too much, and choose to say nothing, until the dam breaks, and the only speaking I am able to do is screaming. I know that I am continually sarcastic, because (for me at least) it beats continually crying, curling up and hiding, running away, and so on. Sarcasm is a slight left from wit/humor...and I think that, as someone who tries pretty hard to be funny, spouting sarcasm comes pretty naturally. It's the hurt behind (projected out to/at others) it that I ignore and deny.
To shift gears a bit, or maybe actually expand...I don't think that I'm stupid. I cannot perpetuate a facade that I am unaware that there are consequences attached to words and actions. To peel away more of the scales from my eyes, I communicate sarcasm (and perhaps better stated - anger) sometimes specifically TO hurt. In these instances it is almost exclusively used in response to something (there's the defense mechanism)...I think that I do so to try to transfer hurt from me elsewhere. I know that, in my history with Sharon, I used my anger or sarcasm to attempt to 'hurt' her as she continually, repeatedly hurt me. In 2006, I was more handicapped than at any point in my life, literally feeling the 'weight of the world' on my shoulders more often than not (pity parties be damned. You are my friends, and I should not be afraid to admit that for about 6 months I felt like dying would bring more closure than living could. I hated myself and I hated my life and I hated my failure), and unable to do anything about it. My wife was in every way apathetic about every aspect of her actions, behaviors, lies, abandonment, etc. and was in every way completely refusing any and everything that might come back her way from me. I was angry and screaming and sarcastic with Sharon because I could not be kind or supportive or loving or 'mature' only to receive deceit and intentional hate in return.
What I have noticed, is that the scars left in Sharon's absence keep getting picked at and pried open. And it's me with the blood on my hands. Over the past year, I have developed a mild to moderate tendency to seemingly react ONLY with anger in situations where I am slighted, hurt, misunderstood, ignored, etc. I do not 'mean' for this to happen, and sometimes I feel powerless to NOT do so. But, on the flip, the anger is sometimes freeing, and it feels good to 'dish out' something and know that I can at the very least, get a response. That's something that Sharon was hell bent on communicating to me..."you are unable to affect me, Brian." Living with that, has made me sometimes desperate for any kind of response, to the point of a haphazard care for whether or not it's a positive one that comes back.
I can dish better than I can take. This has always been the case. That's really lame, and I know it. I put expectations on people to 'understand' that my vitriol is not intended to deflate, minimize or upset the recipients, but I do so with a proverbial toss of my hair and a simpyle assumption that my words lack consequence. This is not true, and, especially through adult conversations (including several w/ Rozalyn) - I am beginning to see and understand that what I say and do can carry far more weight than what I give it credit for.
Couple that with me also reaching a point where I think that we're all becoming pretty rooted in ourselves and our personalities. I think I speak far more openly now because I am closer to those I know, but also because I (maybe?) better understand myself, how I work, etc (I am not a confused 20 year old anymore, and I cannot masquerade as one w/o embarrassing myself and my life experiences). I know how I operate, and I've sort of resigned to being like 'me', for better or worse. Now, much of 'me' requires work, and I see the shortcomings of my limited perspective.
Recently, I wanted a week long vacation in a sweet house with my dearest of friends...only Graham is coming and no one else is. I did not attack anyone because they would 'rather do xxxx than enhance a ten year friendship...'. I had to make up my mind as to whether I wanted to whine that it wasn't the way that I wanted it to be, or realize that it was up to me to 'make this what it will be.' (This is not an epiphany, and I don't intend to treat it as such). I wish people still came Friday night and stayed through Sunday night for LSFCOW, but it doesn't really happen like it used to. I learned an important lesson about stomping my feet and crying through my $100 dinner idea, as it's June and nothing has happened/planned/etc. I 'lost' this opportunity because of my selfish ambition, and I 'suffer' for it.
I have that decision to make semi-regularly in this mass relationship of ours, as 'playing the ringleader' (I don't like the title, but I will accept it, even if only from the perspective of organizing events the most) puts me in a situation where I must continually decide which is more important, my will, or the opportunity to gather as friends, share experience, take what comes, etc.
"Be for what is" is one of my new mottos, and I hope that, provided serious reflection and soul searching, that it might become one for each of you, too.
Anyway, I'm sort of rambling. I have no insights, secrets, or lessons to teach, and I'm not trying to act as if I do. I am trying to be 'nakedly honest' for a change.
Stumbling back to something that resembles a POINT...I am sorry to you all. I am sorry for the ways that I handle things sometimes...lots of times, probably. I owe you an apology for my walls and my defense mechanisms, and I owe you an apology for the times that I wig out with or without reason. I need to learn more of grace and patience, and instead I wallow in piss and vinegar. I love my sense of humor and my sarcasm, but it hurts me and it hurts people that I love, and I need to work to better understand how to tighten the reigns on my mouth and fingers. I need to think about things before I say them, and I need to think about how I feel about the people I'm dishing sh!t at before I just cut loose. Additionally, I need to allow things to 'roll off my back'...versus the internalizing and agonizing and harboring that I am so prone to.
...something that I notice, is that I don't try very hard to 'be happy.' I don't aspire to experience joy, I seem to lay in wait looking for something to set me off, get me rolling, fired up, etc. I fight for my position in the pecking order, and I fight for my will, and I do these things and behave this way at the expense of realizing that 'seeing my friends' or 'having fun' is the goal I'm ignoring.
This is no way to live. This is no one to be.
I want to work to change these things about myself, and I, just like all of us, need to rely on someone(s) other than myself to get there. I want to be part of the process of each of you tearing your own life apart (or having it torn apart), and putting the pieces back together. Please stand by my side...
I hope I have not rambled too much, and I hope that I have not said a bunch of stuff that goes nowhere.
Todd, thank you for taking the time to force me to step back and shut up for a second. To stand in front of a mirror, look long and hard, and see who was standing before me.
~b
